It’s embarrassing. I’m an adult and I like to throw tantrums. You might be familiar with these kind of tantrums. A bad day at work means a couple of adult beverages, a stop for fast food or a big dessert before dinner if I can hide it from the kids.
These kind of tantrums have to stop for me, immediately. Absolutely. And completely. I threw one last week and this is the exact kind of tantrum that throws me into the depths of migraine world.
I’m supposed to be following this extreme diet called a ketogenic diet, to help increase my threshold to migraine triggers. Basically all I can eat is meat and vegetables.
Well, I got sick of it and being the responsible adult that I am, what do you think I did? I got mad, and one night while I was home alone ate half a box of Pop-Tarts, drank a grape soda in about 30 seconds, and I finished off all of the Twizzlers from our camping trip. Pop-Tarts don’t even taste good. They were just sugary and gluttonous and available. Oh, and then I ate a whole roll of crackers. There was probably something else in there too. I lost track.
For as long as I can remember, this is my favorite kind of tantrum. I’m going to eat what I want, and be self destructive, because I can! So there! Waaaaaaa!
I know Paul writes in the Bible about how he suffered so much and still learned to be content. Why can’t I be content? Here I am grumbling about having to eat meat all of the time and Paul probably didn’t even have food. I’ve been praying for years for something that would help reduce my migraines and God may have given me the answer and what have I done? I’ve said, “No. I’m not going to listen to you, because I want to eat junk food and stay fat!” (Visualize I have the teenage, side to side head tilt thing going on while I say this with raised eyebrows and moving shoulders.)
There are so many personal weaknesses wrapped up in this tantrum.
It’s pride. I want control over my life. I want to be my own god. I want to do what I want when I want. I’m sick of this list of rules I’m supposed to follow to stay healthy. Of course, I’m also sick of being sick. I sometimes seem to think that if I just ignore the problem it will go away. It doesn’t work that way. Stomping my foot and pretending the problem doesn’t exist just isn’t going to help anything.
It’s jealousy. Why should “they” all get to eat candy and chips and drink pop or alcohol? Well, I need to build a bridge and get over it. Everyone has something going on in their life. This is just my thing. I should be grateful that I finally have an pathway that might lead to living with a significant reduction in pain, and it’s a super healthy pathway!
It’s selfishness. When I disregard the consequences for myself, I also disregard the consequences for my family. I need to remember that when I’m hurting, it’s hurts other people.
I could go on.
This is all so hard. It’s no fun following my to-do list and my not-to-do list, and it’s emotionally painful to own up to the reasons why I’m not following the lists.
I guess the key is, I’m facing my issues. Hopefully this diet won’t have to last forever. I’m doing Botox again in a few weeks, and I’m back on a preventative medication, but there is a possibility that it could last a really long time, or maybe even forever. This is a bigger issue than just the diet. These are things about myself that I need to acknowledge and and work through.
I just read this morning, in a book by John Ortberg, that “sin is often the attempt to meet a legitimate need in an illegitimate way.” I need to be thinking about what need it is that I’m trying to meet when I throw a food tantrum and what is a healthy way that I can meet that need.
I’m praying for contentment as I sit down to my next meal of meat and more meat, and as I face other things that I need to do or not do.
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myheadwars 